I've always been crazy, But it keeps me from going insane.

Detox Day 39

Fast approaching 40 days ... no small task. When was the last time I was single for 40 days. Venturing a guess. But also accurate. Grade 12. Lets take a look at things that can happen in 40 days. A flood that wipes out the planet. When the Bubonic plague gripped Europe ships would be isolated in harbors for 40 days before being allowed to go ashore. Jesus was fasting in the desert for 40 days. And during that time he was tempted. While I am not equating my journey with that of Jesus', there are some similarities. IE he was tempted to give up. Three times he was promised the world by Satan. Have I been tempted. Heck yes I have. I do not have any dating sites active as promised. But have I been asked out yes. Have I said no. Yes. So why is this so hard for me. I am not lonely. At all I love my life. Its full ... sometimes too full. Im busy ... Just ask my girlfriends who try and phone me for a real life chat. Or those who try and make plans with me for lunch or a much needed manicure. I'm chronically unavailable. There begs the question ... Is there a void? No ... not really. Im starting to be convinced that its just something Im so used to that its going to take a long time to be not used to it. I have clients who come in and its the first question out of their mouths. "Hows the love life" ... Some are living vicariously through me, although I can save them the trouble. There is nothing to envy. But even my acquaintances are trained to know im dating. Perhaps that's a good test of when this experiment will be over ... when they stop asking. I had well meaning client today ask me ... So how long is the detox. I cant answer that. Ill know when I know ... Ive had moments of wanting to throw in the towel on this too. Why blog ... I feel like Doogie Howser. Remember that show... He was always journal-ling on his old school computer. Unfortunately im not a prodigy and im certainly not that young ... however I bought myself a cigar tonight to enjoy on the deck and I got carded by a very nice young man who actually elaborated that I didn't look over 25.... Okay kid that's a stretch but Ill take it and also what are your hours because ill come back when you're working for a pick me up.

My intentions were to write on things that help me in this journey ... Tonight's thought as I put the dishes away and folded the laundry and took my mouse off the charger to come write was ... clean house, clean mind.. Organized life ... focus is easier. So lets do that.

I am extremely organized. Not a toot of my horn ... a necessity. I have ADHD. If I don't put every event in my phone with a reminder I will forget. I meal prep all my food either Sunday or Monday for the entire week. I have my daughter about 70% of the time so if the ball drops its not just me it affects. Which brings me to men. Wow would I love a man to take the garbage out ... Or to mop a floor ... but do I need one ... No. Im extremely capable. And in my experience that's not how it works anyway. I was married after all. Im sure the only time he scrubbed the tub was when I was too pregnant to reach. But my borderline OCD approach to chores has become a matter of survival at this point. Will the world fall apart if I have to eat out for a meal. Or if my floors get dirty. Or if the dishes sit on the counter. NO> However, life, in my mind, is so much clearer and less burdensome when the clutter is gone. There is science behind this. No need for me to plagiarize ... You can research that ... there's loads of books on clean house/clean mind. There are even programs on Netflix that show you how to de clutter and organize. However I find an episode or two of Hoarders is enough to make me feel better about my life. And if still not convinced if mental health and a clean house are linked, watch a couple episodes.

Other things that I do to replace bad habits (dating/wine) with good ones ... this as individual as we all are. But for me a long walk in nature, an audio book with a bubble bath, cleaning a junk drawer (Ive got a bunch) Listening to music, a drive in the country, singing karaoke in my living room, coffee with my sister-in-law, work, watching a favorite movie, art challenges with my daughter, lunch with a friend. So my suggestion to you, if you're in that place where you're struggling quitting whatever, make a list of happy distractions. Not everyday will require them but when you're really struggling, a list of go to's posted on your fridge might be a lifesaver. I believe slow change is lasting change ... The biggest mistake me make when trying to change our path is taking on too much too soon. For instance when I started this journey the first thing I did was incorporate waking up 30 minutes earlier. Then I started a gratitude journal and daily devotional in that time. I rarely miss a day because I started that in January but that's the only change I made until it had been 21 days. Then when I felt it was officially a habit I felt able to take on something else. This is a hard truth to swallow. When we get gung ho, we want to change everything at once but more often than not that becomes overwhelming and we throw it all out when one aspect fails. So pick one thing. Do it for at least 21 days. Remember to be gentle with yourself and have grace. If you miss a day pick it up again the next. And go clean your house, Idle hands really are the devils playground. Keep those suckers busy.

And sometimes ... sit in the discomfort ... that is where the healing lies.

<3