Stop explaining .. Dont tell me cause it hurts

Detox Day 36...

Well that was an interesting day. As previously mentioned Ive been sick this week. I finally went back into work this morning only to realize my voice was all but completely gone. Im a barber by trade, and if you think cutting hair can be done in silence, look up awkward in the dictionary.

SO my boss sent me home. I sat on the couch for a good long time. Searching through netflix, still not having the energy to clean I decided to come work on my blog. I am the least computer savy girl in the world. We DO NOT get along. Submitted for you is the list of things I know about computers.

1. Where the power button is.

2. That they run on power.

3. ...

So I got to work, watching YouTube tutorials on creating a blog. I want to help as many women as I can. I want a dialog. So I knew I needed more viability. So I created a website and paid for a domain. All in the span of an hour and a slight bit more. Im very proud of myself and I can now add that to my list of talents. :)

But before I did all that I sat down and started doing personality tests. I worry endlessly that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me ... based on my dating luck. If you've ever dated a true narcissist then you know it leaves you doubting your own sanity, your own value and if you yourself are in fact the narcissist. And on top of that I also refer to myself as 'Good Luck Charlene' Referring to the movie 'Good Luck Chuck'. The premise of the movie is when the main character Chuck gets involved with a woman, the very next man they date is the one. Several of my ex's are now settled down. This leads me to believe its me that's the problem. This does my head in, so I jump on the internet doing personality quizzes and I read endless self help books. I work on me. Hey lets get in shape, Organize the house some more, take up a new hobby, make myself more interesting. The truth is I know deep down it has zero to do with me. And why in the world would I not already be doing these things for me? Why am I trying to make myself fit into some invisible puzzle. Like working backwards from a crime scene. If I do X,Y and Z I will be perfect and ready for the man of my dreams. If I could just make myself more of a round peg. Guys like this and that ... therefore I must be this and that. But Ive never said wow I really love you ... because you like climbing rocks in your spare time or you know how to cook chicken like a champ, or you have a wonderful stamp collection. I have however really loved a man because his heart was kind.

I read recently "the problem is everyone wants unconditional love but they come in with all kinds of conditions". For instance my love for my daughter doesn't change if her hair is a mess. Or if she gets moody. Or if she doesn't make me laugh. Or if she likes different music than I do. Love isn't based on these fleeting things. I think we need to remember the difference between a 'preference' and a 'deal breaker'. For instance, having an addiction to drugs would most likely be a deal breaker for most people, but not being a snappy dresser would be a preference. Snappy dresser? What am I 80?!

So perhaps part of this boyfriend detox is about deleting all the things I 'looked for' in a man. And getting back to basics. What is good, what is true, what is honorable, what is lasting. A detox of any kind or any form always has the same effect. You completely remove the substance (in this case men) for an extended period of time and it allows for insights ... I remember the first time I did a social media cleanse. I think I went 4 weeks. I came back to it very wide eyed at how negative the posts were. How polarizing the political views were. If you detox sugar from your diet for a long period of time and then have some, there are side effects you didn't notice previously, and things taste far sweeter than you remember. Have you ever given up sugar in your coffee and then one day you have it with sugar. Bam, its an assault to your tongue. So imagine the affect in dating. I am hopeful that I will no longer suffer fools. That after only one date Ill know its not for me. Or perhaps I wont even get that far. Distinguishing between the deal breakers and preferences easily ... And being hyper aware of toxic men ... running not walking in the other direction.

Well that's my thoughts for today. <3