Where there was weakness, I found my strength

Here we go … My heart is beating out of my chest. It is really happening. I'm REALLY writing a blog. First off let me state if you are a punctuation enforcer this isn’t the content for you! You will be driven mad by my lack of periods, my back and forth between run on sentences and deficiency of any flow whatsoever. Or maybe that’s my inner critic acting up already. That voice, as in many women, is very strong. I'm learning to calm it down. I am Susan. A 42 year old woman. I was married when I was 21 to a man I met at 19. That ended 7 years ago and the journey it took me on is the reason for this blog … I am a date-a-holic. Or at least I think I am. My mind is a mess of unfinished, non closure relationships, who were all “the one” at some point. Before anyone even knew I was getting a divorce I was already seeing the next “Mr.Right” … I knew he wasn't, but he was the polar opposite of my husband so it stood to reason if that didn't work then this one would for sure. I don't think I’ve ever had any less well thought out idea in my life … that one is the winner. When that relationship ended I went on to strings of countless dates. Some good, some bad, some Id like to forget. And when the last “one” ended I went about my usual healing strategy … dating site, STAT! Must heal this ache. Pour the wine, create whitty profile using only the best non filtered pics… click, swipe, numb it away …. surely the “actual one” is on here …. this time for sure. Then it hit me like a tsunami, wait, I was really in love this time. And when i think of dating I want to power puke. Like after a night of boxed wine. SO I immediately delete it. Speaking of wine … I had also started that again after two months of sobriety … trying whatever I could to calm the egg sized emotion blocking my throat and the brick in my chest. “I don’t want anyone else” … As a matter of fact … I hadn’t been single in 25 years, at least not for more than a month and that brings us here. This is why I’m writing this blog. The reason I’m putting it all on the internet. I tried to find a book on serial dating. Or something that spoke to whatever it was in me that NEEDED, to date. I couldn’t. I know I’m not alone. And I also know if I keep this up I will be in the same position at 52. Still dating and it wont be nearly as cute. Its bordering on pathetic already. I thought, I know, I’ll write a book. And I won’t date until its published. However as someone, who you can probably tell, has never written so much as a greeting card. I thought maybe we start with a blog? Otherwise I may actually be single forever. So here I am now. Determined. To find out who is the problem. Ive always been told. Think about who’s the common denominator in the situation. I cant ignore the obvious. Its me. I’m like a serial killer of relationships. The blood stains are the wine rings on my night stand. And the DNA left at the scene are the tears on my pillow. Its time to change. Its time to get back to basics. Its time to heal. Really heal. SO .. my plan is to check in here as I discover things on my journey. Here are the ground rules … No wine! i just opened my last bottle … the reason for this is for me wine opens a floodgate of emotion and poorly thought out decisions. Like hey lets go talk to an ex, I bet he misses me as much as I don’t miss him but I think I do till the next morning when I wake up and hope it was a dream that I don’t have to backpedal from. So no wine. No dating sites! Obvious reasons … I’m actually currently on day 33 of the boyfriend detox but I had to get a computer in order to do this … That took a bit … better late than never. NO more messaging guys … this one is hard and I have struggled with it because with the age of technology, I can be found and messaged on several platforms. I thought about deleting my social media during this experiment, but I opted to keep it because its important for me to learn to kindly but honestly communicate with the opposite sex. So for now my responses will and have been, “that’s sweet but I’m not dating right now.” After all, I do believe Mister Right is out there. But I also believe I am not ready for him. To my future husband I love you and this is for you … May you be working on your mind, body, and soul preparing for me too. To my friends, your support has been limitless. I know you wanted to slap me in the face, with a chair at times. But you didn’t. You loved without judgement and you supported with out feeding me bull shit. To my daughter, you have been the victim of this too. Not only witnessing the not so nice guys. But seeing me cry, be hurt, it robbed me of time with you I can never get back. I pray this will help you see your mama as a strong woman .. And in turn you will make wise decisions and be a strong woman too. You are an angel … I don’t want another second robbed from us. To me … value yourself … trust the journey … be excited … Its okay to be alone … you are not alone. To the reader …. I pray this blog helps you. To God … Let’s do this! <3